Mixed Blessings

Yesterday was a day of mixed blessings. Firstly, my dear boy, Hylarks Swordthwain, took my permanent collar. He has been the longest 'considered' boy I have ever had, taking some five months to get to this stage, but it was definitely right for he and I to take this time. I feel very sure, very confident and very happy that he is ready for the full commitment of being one of my permanent boys. Hylarks is loyal, committed, honourable, passionate, a fast learner (gotta be with me!) and so very keen to follow my lead. I adore him and look forward to taking him further down this sometimes bumpy path. :).

I had a lot of fun on SL yesterday evening, practising for Saturday's show, it's going to be a blast.

During the show I got a phone call, one I knew was on the horizon. It was from the prison - my son is back inside. He had been on the run and I knew he would eventually give himself up. I'm kind of numb about it right now. I cannot and will not give in to this gnawing sickness in my stomach and the feeling of desperation lurking in the back of my heart and mind. People say all the right things and are very kind and if it was anyone but my son, it wouldn't feel half as bad. Of course I'd be upset for any close friend or family member but, and I think only other mothers (and fathers too perhaps) reading this will fully comprehend: when it's your own child you feel several very unique things, including; responsibility, guilt, shame, despair and mostly the all-consuming need to protect and defend your own flesh and blood. No words of advice can help me with this, I just have to deal with it and deal with it, I shall. In practical terms, there is not much I can do. My son is a heroin addict. He has to decide that he is going to stop. Nobody can make this decision for him. He says he wants to, but his actions suggest otherwise.  Rich made a very good statement the other day when we were talking, I was telling him that I was upset because I thought Paul had turned a corner and he said 'there are no corners, Mistress, only up or down'. He is so right. Perhaps Paul has not sunk low enough yet? I dread to think how much lower he needs to go. I cannot let myself become ill worrying about what might happen.

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.  ~Leo Buscaglia"

Please listen: 'The Man With the Child in His Eyes' - Kate Bush. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfjPivYmV7Y