Hard Times

I'm struggling right now. Conflicting emotions swirling around in my head and heart.

I haven't blogged for a couple of days because I believe it is wise to wait and think before sharing deep emotions with those outside of the situation. My blog is mine, Rich's is his, and we both want to share and maybe help others, but that doesn't mean we use our blogs to attack each other or shout off things that, on reflection, we may see differently, or wish we hadn't said in the heat of the moment. So I have waited until now, to write calmly and to share with you how things are going.

I have given Rich a lot of rope recently, he's been ill and needed to know he was loved and cared for. I think maybe I let the reins a bit too loose, I'm not sure. I really am not sure at all about that. The fact is, that we have had a few issues, which we worked on and which I think/thought were getting better. As I said before, they are all small matters and ones that I believe are caused by the distance between us and perhaps, the general stresses of life. Nevertheless, he has been feeling much better and I expected and pushed for improved obedience and devotion from him. On Sunday, I didn't get it. He has frequently been forgetting simple rules that I like him to follow. Why I like them is irrelevant to him, I just do. That's my right as his Mistress. However, they are pretty much rules that I employ to keep him focused on me and to elevate me into my dominant position, over and above others in his life, both RL and on SL. Things such as permission to rise from his kneeling greeting pose, permission to go somewhere either afk, or to another sim, permission to talk in open chat when we are together etc. I don't expect Rich to always remember, but I do expect that when I correct him, he accepts it with good grace and humility. On Sunday, he did not. He came back at me with excuses and blame and I was, and still am, annoyed about that.

Anyway, things escalated and I decided that enough is enough. This is not a balanced relationship, I do not want a whiny, complaining slave and he needed to know that and feel that. I've locked  him down in RLV and he is to spend time alone, two hours per day, until I decide he has learnt his lesson. Rich's reaction was not good, it still isn't, his is complaining about there being no point in going on to SL, about how bad it is, about how miserable it makes him.blah blah. Yesterday started well, he wrote a great itinerary for my visit in February. We spoke briefly in IM and whilst he had this attention from me, he was fine. What Rich is struggling with is completing the two hours doing nothing, just because I told him to. His blog even reflects that. I see very little, if any, change, remorse or understanding. This bothers me. The longer he is like this, the longer it will go on, he doesn't seem to get that though.....but he will read this and maybe the penny will drop? I am looking for humility, devotion and not complaint about his punishment. Of course it's not pleasant, of course it's a waste of time, that's the whole point!

Part of the problem may be that if he truly doesn't think he is wrong, if he really cannot see why he is being punished, then he will not accept the punishment. I think I explained it to him and, quite frankly, this is not an amusement for me. It hurts me to punish him. I am doing it to help him, to help us and our future, I am trying to make him learn what it means to be serve me and to show him what I want and expect.

Rich and I just spoke on Yahoo. He's very respectful and polite, but he is not loving or enthusiastic. He is pouting and sulking and I can feel his pent up mood. Yesterday he left me a very sweet message (before the 24hrs, more rule breaking) about how he will do the time as long as necessary and how he will be a great slave. Since then, he's blogged and whined again.

Well, it's a tough time, but we will persevere. I am not going to capitulate. I am not going to accept anything less than what I want and need. I will not compromise. Life is too short and I've waited too long for what I want, so has he.

'Don't go for second best, baby, put your love to the test..' Madonna 'Express Yourself'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsVcUzP_O_8