I miss my blog, but I'm not sure what to write. I've been reading Rich's and can only agree that a week ago I would never have envisaged being here, in this position. I am learning though, from this process, as we all do whenever anything shocking happens. We tend to take stock, re-evaluate and grow. If we don't do that, we shrivel up and die. I am not about to do the latter.
I'm going to explain what happened to Rich and I, from my perspective. I know I don't have to, but I want to. This blog is supposed to be a reflection of my life as a Domme, so here goes:
Some of you will have noticed that we were having a few minor blips, which we were working through, or so I thought. I was giving Rich time, with his health issues etc, maybe I gave him too much, who knows? I think I excused his falling submission far too easily. He changed a lot in the last month or so. This is the crucial factor, he seemed to go backwards in his submission, not forwards, not even standing still, but backwards. I know he cannot see this himself and it is as frustrating as hell for me that he can't. I fear that the shiny newness of our relationship wore off for him and he found that he wasn't quite the slave he thought he was, or aspired to be. I don't mean this in a spiteful way, at all. I am just stating how it feels to me.
A week or so ago (I forget dates, it's all rolled into one now) Rich was locked down in RLV as a punishment for consistently forgetting some simple rules. He behaved like a whiney spoilt child and I realised that he was not going to learn from this punishment, so I stopped it and instead set him a task to read a website and write me a review of each page he read every day. Rich was very sorry, promised to do as told and promptly failed to write me the reports. I received two in five days. He has no excuses, he had time, he just chose not to do as he was told. Instead, he did what he wanted to do. This is not the behaviour of an owned boy, sub or slave, who is trying to make amends with his Mistress, is it?
Consequently, last Sunday. I asked him why he hadn't done the report again, he said he had forgotten. I told him to log off, think about whether he wanted to be mine or not. He logged and a short while later I received an email which had phrases such as, 'It becoming more painfully obvious to me by the day that this isn't working", "every stumble is drawing a much sharper rebuke than i am willing to take", "Its just very painfully obvious Mistress that we aren't on the same page like we were.", " if it is over and you wish me to go away then let me know". As well as telling me I could still visit him as a 'friend' in February and he would stay away from The Dominon etc etc. I was completely flawed by this email. I read it, re-read it, cried, shook my head in disbelief, spoke to a couple of my friends, spent some quiet time thinking and realised that it had to end. Rich was telling me he wanted out, there is no doubt from his words. So I replied to his email and released him. Shortly after, I received another email taking it all back and begging me to re-consider. This actually hurt more. How could he say such things and then do an about turn in a matter of hours? Sadly, it simply highlighted to me that Rich is not ready for this relationship.
This week has not been easy. Rich and I have emailed once or twice, briefly, but it hurts a lot to do that at the moment. I love him and care about his welfare. I wish for nothing but happiness for him.
You know, in the end we have to look at ourselves, examine our hearts and be true to who we are, to what we want and need in our lives. I have been doing a lot of soul searching this week. I am going to move forward, onwards and upwards. I will stumble, but I will get up every time and walk again on this bumpy road of life. I don't know any other way.
Bon Jovi, Keep the Faith http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZQyVUTcpM4
That is why women walk with linked arms Miss, for when one stumbles the others hold her up. Hugs
ReplyDeleteVery brave.. as i would have expected You would be Miss.. well wishes and hugs.
ReplyDeletesilk
I am here to support you Lisa, I am sending you all my love and good thoughts. I hope you do fly to Dublin tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs
Sara
x
Deliberately, i have chosen not to read Rich's blog; this may be ridiculous, i know, but reading Your musings is to me a way to learn a different point of view, and i want to do that trying to examine only Your writings.
ReplyDeleteSo, i find rather shocking that a so utter change in what it seemed his good slave attitude may have occured in a so short lapse of time. I fully agree with You that the most baffling thing is the second email, as that seems to show a complete superficiality. To me, so used to bear witness of the catholic way of being according to which You can do quite everything, and then You beg crying for forgiveness, this is an unjustifiable attitude.
But, again, i find hard to focus such a sudden change. The only thing i can think of is the storm he may have been through, due to the health vicissitudes. A storm, i can imagine, that may shake the foundations of his life beliefs. And, maybe, some lack of talking too, at the beginning. And, last but not least, (this is for Rich, not for You) the difference in our sub minds between the desire of being slave, of being controlled and used, and the 'real' being a slave. It's different, to dream about being forced to obey, and being forced to obey. This is something a sub should think a lot about. Not because necessarily he could behave like a topper, but because being a slave means, a lot of time, doing something we may not like. But we have to do because we are slaves, and we have to have a goal, our Mistress satisfaction, above everything else. After all, it's a choice.
I have been logorrheic, i beg Your pardon for that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKEyJbqRlLw
I'm so very sorry that it didn't work out, Mistress Destiny. I hoped that the blips encountered were merely momentary and not malignant, but it appears otherwise. I do not know Rich, nor do I know where his mind and heart are at currently. I do know, however, that he has lost something incredibly special and precious. Your love, Your affection, Your devotion, are each an invaluable treasure that it would appear were taken for granted. While I do not wish to seem vindictive, I think his suffering has only just begun. Even years from now he'll think back on You and realize the immense scope of what he gave up, and what could have been.
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