If you look at it at face value, he dumped me. That’s not nice for anyone to experience. Of course, he didn’t do it quite as simply as that, but he emailed me as a ’friend’, using my name whereas before I had always been Mistress, telling me how he had realised that the terms of our relationship would have to dramatically change from those with which we started out with, if we were to continue. He said that he would not do anything he wasn’t comfortable with and where our likes overlapped we would we fine, where they didn’t we wouldn’t be. Now, that is all well and good for a mutual fetish play arrangement. It’s not fine for a 24/7 D/s female-led relationship, which he knew I wanted and which I understood he also wanted.
Acknowledging that it wasn’t as he envisaged and it wasn’t what he wanted after all, must have been difficult for him. Rather than gently explaining this to me and talking it through, he presented me with a fait accompli. He presented this new arrangement and told me how he wanted to get back to being my slave, but of course he didn’t, he wasn’t going to be my slave at all, he was going to be in control, deciding what he did or didn’t want to do. When I tried to explain this and told him how he was dictating the terms of our relationship and that that wasn't D/s, he lost his temper and told me I should ‘get help’( implying that I am mentally unstable) and not to contact him again as he wouldn’t be reading it. This, finally, crystallised for me the change in him. He really does want a 50:50 play partner, because no ‘slave’ would react like that towards the woman who was supposedly his Mistress. I really hope that he reads this and realises that he needs to acknowledge who he is and what he wants and needs in his life. I hope he realises that there’s nothing wrong with being who he is, but that he shouldn’t blame me for the changes in him.
Apart from all of the above, the speed with which the change occurred is quite shocking. Just three days ago he was saying how he will work on getting over fear and embarrassment in order to obey me. He stated that his desire to obey me will outweigh his fear. He thrilled and pleased me. He said and was doing all the right things, everything that I wanted and desired in a potential 24/7 slave. I told him how well he was doing, how pleased I was with him, so he must feel a sense of failure now that he realises that he doesn’t want to be this person anymore.
I wanted to take things slowly, it was me that had to tell him to slow down, to let me set the pace, he would say how eager he was to be my domestic slave. Perhaps that’s where it all went wrong. Perhaps he acted very hastily in all things, including emailing as he did yesterday morning and instead he could have asked for a frank discussion, face to face, where we could have evaluated where we were at. Instead, he completely threw me with his ‘Dear L’ email in which he stated his very drastically altered terms. If we had talked, it may have been possible to work on slowing things down and spending more time just getting to know each other, with a view to seeing where things went from there. It may have been possible for him to consider his feelings in more depth and perhaps, eventually, he would have still wanted to be a 24/7 slave. After all, he said he had dreamt of it for years, most of his adult life, surely that sort of desire doesn’t disappear in a few hours? Perhaps it does, perhaps our fantasies are so powerful that once they start to become reality they can vanish from our mind because they are only ever fantasies and need to remain as such. In any event, it would have been good, and appropriate, to sit down and gently, with kindness and care for each other, talk about our feelings and then decide where to go from there.
Today has been really difficult. I sent him a text message and an email. I owe him some money for van hire and he has a book of mine, so I wanted to sort those things out. He hasn’t replied. I’m not going to be a stalker and keep pestering him, but his silence hurts. Perhaps it’s easy for him to go from regular, frequent contact to none, but it isn’t for me. Perhaps he’s still angry with me, or worst of all, perhaps he simply doesn’t care enough to respond?
I am also feeling quite unwell, sleeping on and off all day. I’m obviously fighting some sort of virus. Anyhow, I have called in sick tomorrow already. I know I can’t go to work feeling as I do today.
I have had some very comforting calls, texts and messages from people who care and for that I am very grateful. I hope he is getting support too, if he needs it, and I truly hope we can be friends, if nothing else. That will have to be his decision.
I have been talking with silk a lot today. He has been online with me all day just being there, always there, metaphorically holding my hand. I am really glad that I also got to talk to Hylarks and my friend Tim, both of whom talked a lot of sense and helped me clarify some feelings I was working through.
And so, loyal followers, my roller-coaster life continues. We are now, it seems, in the drought season.
I've been listening to this song a lot today, it's not wholly appropriate for my situation, but it is, quite simply, a beautiful love song with astonishing lyrics, I love the line, 'well it kind of hurts, when the kind of words you write, kind of turn themselves into knives'. Pure poetry from Jason Mraz - Beautiful Mess
Dear Miss my deepest sympathy for all that You have undergone of recent.
ReplyDeleteYes he did.. and that speaks volumes about the type of person he is and what he wants. This is not the place nor i the person.. to start bashing anyone. T/those that know can easily form T/their own opinions and make judgments of Their own accord.
Thank you for taking the time amidst all else that is happening.. to have a kind word for me.. i hope my efforts were to avail.
As time and care will heal Your body.. so will You spirit heal..In some ways, many ways.... it has worked in Your favor.. what it this had happened a month from now ?. six months ?
Please take care Miss and keep on working on being better .. in all ways.
as always
silk
I can't fathom why people do what they seem to do Miss. Even in a non D/s relationship there is in most cases a dwindling of interest and desires. But this sounds like a light switch was thrown, or the fuse popped for him to be this way. (metaphorically speaking that is.)
ReplyDeleteI grieve with you Miss, and hope that your health improves very quickly and you get back to being as enjoyable and fun as you have always been.
My thoughts are always with you and Hylarks. As well as Silk with his comforting words.
Hugs as always Miss.
Jerbo