It's a sorry day when I have to be sick to have time to blog! What does that say about me, I wonder? Did I only start this blog to fill time, or does it have a greater significance to me? I'm not sure of the answer. I used to keep a diary when I was young, but I was the only reader. Blogging is different, I'm aware that others will read this and of course that can't help but colour what I write. However, I do strive to be honest in all that I write, even if sometimes I might leave some things out, that's usually only to protect others, not myself.
Life has been full of the usual ups and downs. Two weeks ago it was half-term break and I had a week's holiday. What a week it was! I was really put through the mill emotionally. I was on the phone to my youngest son getting updates about the progress of his partner's labour one moment and then the next, my eldest called to tell me he was back in prison. So, within hours I was celebrating the birth of my latest beautiful granddaughter and then at the pits of despair again over my eldest son's imprisonment. I can't begin to explain the extremes of those two emotions. The new baby doesn't replace the precious daughter they lost two years ago, but she does go a long in healing the wounds from their loss. She is, of course, quite beautiful, but then I am biased.
On Saturday I will visit my eldest in prison. He got three months for not paying his fine and not doing community service. He has a shop-lifting charge also, apparently. It's all a bit patchy at the moment. For some time I carried a fair amount of shame on my shoulders because of him. I took the blame, I looked at myself and wondered what I had done wrong. I thought I must have been a bad mother. Perhaps I am. Nevertheless, there comes a point when you have to stop blaming yourself and stop trying to fathom out 'why?', but instead accept the situation for what it is and look forward. Make and take practical steps to repair what you can and deal with the rest. I have managed to compartmentalise my feelings for most of the time. I have three sons and a step-daughter, I have five grandchildren. I cannot and will not go under. What would it achieve? All I know is that I love my eldest and although I am desperately sad and hurt by the choices he has made for himself, I will support him and do what I can to help him. I will NOT, however, sacrifice my own happiness for his. That may sound harsh, but I am resolute that I will not have him live with me again, or support him financially. I have done that for years and am convinced it does not help him in the long run. He is 30 next year. It's time to be a man.
On SL, there have been some painful times too: Friends betraying each other, submissives double-dealing. I am blessed and very, very lucky to have my boy, Sweeney. I trust him implicitly and am absolutely 100% happy and fulfilled with him. This didn't use to be my SL or RL, as many of you will know. He makes me stronger, strong enough to support and help my dear friends who are not as fortunate as I am. I don't feel guilty about being happy. I have waited a very long time and have had my share of heartache.
Recently, a submissive 'friend' of mine warned me of focusing all my time and attention on Sweeney and said that there may come a time when I need others. He seemed to think I was shutting people out. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am still as active as ever online, I still talk to, support and spend time with my friends. I am hurt that he felt the need to mention this, but can only imagine that he is feeling neglected himself? For that, I am sorry, but time zones can do that to you and yes, you do have to make choices when you find your soul mate. It doesn't mean you cut out everyone, but you certainly do channel your energies where they are most needed and desired. It's called investing in your relationship and it's vital to keep that relationship healthy. So I make no apologies to anyone for working on my relationship with my boy.
I joined Twitter yesterday. I'm still not sure of the point of it and I may not keep it up, but I am going to give it a go and see how it pans out. Yes, I give in to peer pressure - even at the ripe old age of 52!
We had an interesting Fetlife discussion on SL at the weekend. The theme was Realism. I absolutely love discussions! People's minds fascinate me and as a natural communicator, I feel as if I am really in my zone when leading a discussion. People who don't use SL have no idea how amazing it is as a social networking and educational tool. I use the term 'educational' with caution, as I am not a huge fan of people who label themselves as teachers on SL. It's way too easy to state qualifications you don't have. However, it IS educational inasmuch as we learn from talking to, listening, watching, socialising and being with others. There are so many facets to SL, which is the key to it's success, I suppose. I love the fantasy element that enables people to go crazy with their creative abilities. I love dressing up my avatar - it's really big girls Barbie dolls! Most of all, I love talking to people from all over the world about all kinds of topics, not least of which is D/s. I have grown so much in confidence as a Domme these past three years on SL, largely due to being in the company of other lifestylers. I've found my niche as a leader of discussion, but most of all I've found so many friends: people who I can relax with and be myself with. You are never alone on SL. I have RL friends who know I'm a Domme, but it's not the same as being with others who are outwardly dominant and proud. I guess it's similar to being gay. It's one thing telling friends and family and being accepted, but being with others who are similar to you is amazingly liberating and comforting, all at the same time.
Christmas will be here in six weeks and my flight to the USA isn't yet booked. I'm in a bit of a dilemma about the best time to go, especially as my son comes out of prison on December 5th. Part of me is thinking we should wait til February, when I have a week off, but I miss my boy so much and February seems such a long time away. On the other hand, Christmas holidays are always busy with family visits to arrange and fit in to keep everyone happy. If I had my way, I'd just move to the USA now and live there with my boy, but financially, this isn't possible. It is a long term aim for us both. I know I'd miss my family, but you know, we keep in touch by phone, facebook, email etc already and I don't see them every week as it is, as much as I might like to. There comes a point in life where we all have to make our own happiness and live our lives for ourselves. Of course we don't go full steam ahead and hurt others along the way, but I am at the stage in my life where I am prepared to put my own happiness first. This is new for me. Most of my life has been spent caring for and thinking of others before myself. That won't stop, I will always be caring and giving, but I've come to the point where unless I attain my own personal happiness, I can't give happiness to anyone else. It feels good to acknowledge this and embrace it as the natural next step in my life's journey.
Phew...I've waffled on a for a while today! So much to say, but I will stop here with, as always, a song that touches me: Change the World, Eric Clapton http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Atlz3qj0K68&feature=related
Life has been full of the usual ups and downs. Two weeks ago it was half-term break and I had a week's holiday. What a week it was! I was really put through the mill emotionally. I was on the phone to my youngest son getting updates about the progress of his partner's labour one moment and then the next, my eldest called to tell me he was back in prison. So, within hours I was celebrating the birth of my latest beautiful granddaughter and then at the pits of despair again over my eldest son's imprisonment. I can't begin to explain the extremes of those two emotions. The new baby doesn't replace the precious daughter they lost two years ago, but she does go a long in healing the wounds from their loss. She is, of course, quite beautiful, but then I am biased.
On Saturday I will visit my eldest in prison. He got three months for not paying his fine and not doing community service. He has a shop-lifting charge also, apparently. It's all a bit patchy at the moment. For some time I carried a fair amount of shame on my shoulders because of him. I took the blame, I looked at myself and wondered what I had done wrong. I thought I must have been a bad mother. Perhaps I am. Nevertheless, there comes a point when you have to stop blaming yourself and stop trying to fathom out 'why?', but instead accept the situation for what it is and look forward. Make and take practical steps to repair what you can and deal with the rest. I have managed to compartmentalise my feelings for most of the time. I have three sons and a step-daughter, I have five grandchildren. I cannot and will not go under. What would it achieve? All I know is that I love my eldest and although I am desperately sad and hurt by the choices he has made for himself, I will support him and do what I can to help him. I will NOT, however, sacrifice my own happiness for his. That may sound harsh, but I am resolute that I will not have him live with me again, or support him financially. I have done that for years and am convinced it does not help him in the long run. He is 30 next year. It's time to be a man.
On SL, there have been some painful times too: Friends betraying each other, submissives double-dealing. I am blessed and very, very lucky to have my boy, Sweeney. I trust him implicitly and am absolutely 100% happy and fulfilled with him. This didn't use to be my SL or RL, as many of you will know. He makes me stronger, strong enough to support and help my dear friends who are not as fortunate as I am. I don't feel guilty about being happy. I have waited a very long time and have had my share of heartache.
Recently, a submissive 'friend' of mine warned me of focusing all my time and attention on Sweeney and said that there may come a time when I need others. He seemed to think I was shutting people out. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am still as active as ever online, I still talk to, support and spend time with my friends. I am hurt that he felt the need to mention this, but can only imagine that he is feeling neglected himself? For that, I am sorry, but time zones can do that to you and yes, you do have to make choices when you find your soul mate. It doesn't mean you cut out everyone, but you certainly do channel your energies where they are most needed and desired. It's called investing in your relationship and it's vital to keep that relationship healthy. So I make no apologies to anyone for working on my relationship with my boy.
I joined Twitter yesterday. I'm still not sure of the point of it and I may not keep it up, but I am going to give it a go and see how it pans out. Yes, I give in to peer pressure - even at the ripe old age of 52!
We had an interesting Fetlife discussion on SL at the weekend. The theme was Realism. I absolutely love discussions! People's minds fascinate me and as a natural communicator, I feel as if I am really in my zone when leading a discussion. People who don't use SL have no idea how amazing it is as a social networking and educational tool. I use the term 'educational' with caution, as I am not a huge fan of people who label themselves as teachers on SL. It's way too easy to state qualifications you don't have. However, it IS educational inasmuch as we learn from talking to, listening, watching, socialising and being with others. There are so many facets to SL, which is the key to it's success, I suppose. I love the fantasy element that enables people to go crazy with their creative abilities. I love dressing up my avatar - it's really big girls Barbie dolls! Most of all, I love talking to people from all over the world about all kinds of topics, not least of which is D/s. I have grown so much in confidence as a Domme these past three years on SL, largely due to being in the company of other lifestylers. I've found my niche as a leader of discussion, but most of all I've found so many friends: people who I can relax with and be myself with. You are never alone on SL. I have RL friends who know I'm a Domme, but it's not the same as being with others who are outwardly dominant and proud. I guess it's similar to being gay. It's one thing telling friends and family and being accepted, but being with others who are similar to you is amazingly liberating and comforting, all at the same time.
Christmas will be here in six weeks and my flight to the USA isn't yet booked. I'm in a bit of a dilemma about the best time to go, especially as my son comes out of prison on December 5th. Part of me is thinking we should wait til February, when I have a week off, but I miss my boy so much and February seems such a long time away. On the other hand, Christmas holidays are always busy with family visits to arrange and fit in to keep everyone happy. If I had my way, I'd just move to the USA now and live there with my boy, but financially, this isn't possible. It is a long term aim for us both. I know I'd miss my family, but you know, we keep in touch by phone, facebook, email etc already and I don't see them every week as it is, as much as I might like to. There comes a point in life where we all have to make our own happiness and live our lives for ourselves. Of course we don't go full steam ahead and hurt others along the way, but I am at the stage in my life where I am prepared to put my own happiness first. This is new for me. Most of my life has been spent caring for and thinking of others before myself. That won't stop, I will always be caring and giving, but I've come to the point where unless I attain my own personal happiness, I can't give happiness to anyone else. It feels good to acknowledge this and embrace it as the natural next step in my life's journey.
Phew...I've waffled on a for a while today! So much to say, but I will stop here with, as always, a song that touches me: Change the World, Eric Clapton http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Atlz3qj0K68&feature=related
Such a long time since i talked with You, Miss Destiny.
ReplyDeleteI am glad for the good things in Your life, and sad for the bad ones. I guess we have to enjoy and accept/face at the same time, but i can say it's not always so easy, and sometimes one gets tired...
Anyway
My life has his ups and downs too.I would like the algebric sum would be zero, but i am not quite sure it is; nevertheless, i will survive.
Some days ago, i was thinking of You when i was listening to an old song, backbone of my school years. A song from a double lp (yes, i still have that lps) i adored and i do adore now. I don't know the link in my mind between that song and You, maybe it's just the language, or maybe the particular sound, or maybe Peter Gabriel amazing voice...i don't know; and, after all, it's not so important.
Hoping You like it, i wish You all the best
kollo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcPeWrAAT6I